When I was reading child rearing books while carrying my first child over a decade ago I remember finding this advice over and over again in different sections. ***Don’t compare your baby to others!**** As my children multiplied and grew I didn’t have as much time for reading, yet the sentiment continued when I found myself with a book on parenting. Usually for me to follow any advice – even one so often mentioned I need to understand why. This is how I’m wired, there is no changing that. My understanding of why we should not compare children has generally been around the fact that children do better when the pressure of being compared to other children by parents is removed. Essentially that it is good for the kids if parents stop comparing them. I still believe it to be absolutely true, but I now think there is more than one angle here. While reading “don’t compare your children” yet again recently I was struck by a different reason this is so essential this time for mothers. To explain how this new way of thinking came to me I have to tell you a real life story about a mama duck and an upside down duckling in the grocery store parking lot. Hang in there… this will be fun and all make sense in the end.
It was a typical morning, as typical as it could possibly be in our household. All the parents arrived for morning school transportation drop off for our special needs kiddos in the corner of a large shopping plaza parking lot. Kiddos went off to school and all the parents’ cars lined up to exit the parking lot and carry on with the day. Jenny was in front and suddenly came to a stop. I was right behind her and looked out in front to see why. There in the middle of the road was a mama Duck standing over a baby duckling who somehow got flipped over on his back and was waving his little flipper up in the air, unable to get himself flipped back on his feet. Mama duck was the only one standing in the middle of the road and nervously looked at Jenny’s car, you could tell the duck was not even considering running for her life as she courageously guarded her young in trouble. At the same time she had no capacity to help her duckling. One of her big flippers was right at the bum of her helpless duckling, if she were to lift her webbed paddle just a little the push on the behind would have set him right up. If she only knew. Here we all were, a caravan of special needs mamas with a duck in the road. Jenny, being the first one to the site of the flailing duckling and a courageous yet helpless mama duck got out of her car, scooped that duckling right up and carried him over to the grass to the other ducklings while the mama duck followed closely behind. I looked at that scene, and the cars stopped behind me and realized, every other driver in that group of mamas would have done the same thing. I can tell you I secretly wished I had made it out of the parking lot before Jenny that day so I could be the one helping the duckling. Two things illuminated my mind right then.
1. Do you think Jenny judged that mama duck for not being able to help her own babe with that push of a flipper? Not for a second! She saw a need she could easily fill and she did what was needed in that moment, no questions asked, no judgement passed.
2. Do you think that mama duck gave two wing flaps and beat herself up that she couldn’t help her baby bird herself and someone else had to help her save her duckling? Not a chance. The mama duck did ALL she could do – stand in the middle of the road guarding her duckling in the face of oncoming traffic. If ducks do gratitude the way us humans do I bet mama duck would be just that… very grateful. I wonder why it seems to be so difficult for us human mamas to put comparison and judgement aside with each other and be able to give and receive support from others with nothing but gratitude and an open heart of ‘glad to help’. If we could let go of the comparison that come from our “assessment” of the situation (call it like it is – judgement) and live in gratitude for what we can give and be gifted we could have the circle of support we all crave. That would feel amazing. What could be more valuable to a momma. Without comparison and judgement together in community we all thrive.